Darkness and Dreams
by jacksonholegoddess
Summary: Severus says goodbye HarrySeverus Please Leave Feedback - first fic completed


Title: Darkness and Dreams

Author: jhgoddess

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Summary: Severus says goodbye

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Severus Snape and all associated characters from the _Harry Potter_ universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author of this fic and the website maintainers are making no profit by this story or any of the site's contents.

Darkness and Dreams

By jhgoddess

Harry took one look at the headmaster's face and knew it was over. The man who had taken him as an apprenticed and worked so diligently with; was the only man, he realized, he wanted to spend his life with. Professor Severus Snape was gone.

The headmaster offered a chair to his once pupil and gave him a scroll, sealed with the potion master's crest. Tears clouded Harry's eyes as he read the majestic swirls of Professor Snape's hand.

Harry,

As you know, I've never been one to express my feelings well, but after all we've been through, I believe you deserve to know why I've left and for this reason, I will not return. I once heard a Muggle song that I've never forgotten. I'm writing it here to help me express what otherwise I would be unable to.

_New blood joins this Earth_

_And quickly he's subdued_

_To constant pain disgrace_

_The young boy learns their rules_

From the day I was born, my family and high expectations of me. As early as I can remember I was forced to learn about power, control, and all means of attaining 'their' goals. I quickly learned that if I were to survive my childhood, I would follow through on everything they wanted. I would obey and bring honor to them, or be killed.

_With time the child draws in _

_This whipping boy does wrong_

_Deprived of all his thoughts_

_The young man struggles on and on he's known_

After a short time, I realized that what I may have wanted for my life would never come to pass. I had tried on a few occasions to express what I dreamed for my future before the whip and voice of my father corrected my thought of there being any choice in the matter. I slowly realized I could only depend on myself and I would follow orders, as my life was not mine to lead.

_A vow unto his own _

_That never from this day_

_His will they'll take away_

No matter how hard I tried to keep my desires and dreams deep within my soul, I couldn't help losing pieces of them, slowly, day by day. I promised myself I would change when it was safe to do so, that I wouldn't become the monster my father tried so desperately to create.

_What I've felt_

_What I've shown_

_Never shined through in what I've shown_

I hid everything away, never expressing my heart to anyone again. I played my part well. No one knew there was ever more inside of me, dying to be released.

_Never be_

_Never see_

_Won't see what might have been_

_What I've felt_

_What I've known_

_Never shined through in what I've shown _

_Never free_

_Never me_

_So I dub thee Unforgiven_

My life was filled with darkness and it soon took over my soul. Many times I wondered what would have happened if I had run away and renounced my family line, but I chose to hold on to the darkness and let it embrace me. It grabbed hold of my soul and it would never let go. I will never forgive myself for giving in and becoming what I most dreaded, yet again, I had no choice but to hold on, for it was my survival, my life.

_They dedicate their lives_

_To running all of his_

_He tries to please them all_

_This bitter man he is_

I then joined the dark lord, feeling he was the only possible entity my soul could connect with. He, like my father, made all my choices for me. He took over my life and threatened what was left of my soul if I chose to displease him. I fell deeper into despair. I came back to Hogwarts and begged Professor Dumbledore to help me. He was like the father I never had, and always wanted. He helped me search again for my dreams before he too asked more of my soul. I was given the choice of spying for the Order or hiding on my own. I knew Albus' intentions were honorable, but he was now another person directing the course of my life. I continued to follow a path that was not my dream.

_Throughout his life the same_

_He's battled constantly_

_This fight he cannot win_

_A tired man they see no longer cares_

_The old man then prepares _

_To die regretfully _

_That old man there is me_

For the next 20 years I continued living two lives, neither of them the one I had dreamed of. I can't go on like this. If I don't do this now, I'll never have the strength to turn from the darkness. There is a small shimmering light, barely lingering deep within me and I want to expand it. If I don't find what I'm searching for, I will fully become my father's creation. I would rather die. You have shown me friendship, kindness, understanding and compassion. You've sparked hope in a man whose life had become black and empty.

_What I've felt _

_What I've known_

_Never shine through in what I've shown_

I've grown accustomed to your smile and I cherish the time we've spent though I know I've never so much as thanked you properly. You have given me the strength to finally search out my dream. There is no one standing in my way. You have given the wizarding world freedom from the dark lord; and for me, freedom from anyone's control or influence. For this, I do thank you Harry.

_Never be_

_Never see_

_Won't see what might have been_

I know in many circles I will always be viewed a Death Eater; by some, just the greasy git who tortured his students. I wish we could have known each other under different circumstances, but that wasn't the case.

_What I've felt_

_What I've known_

_Never shine through in what I've shown_

I've cared deeply for you and wish you all the happiness in life. Make your dreams a reality. Don't waste them as I have. I believe you may also have feelings for me. Please, do no waste your time on a greasy Death Eater who could never deserve someone as wonderful and full of love and compassion. You deserve the best in life Harry, and I truly hope you find it.

_Never free _

_Never me_

_So I dub thee Unforgiven_

The darkness will always loom above me. I don't deserve much after the life I've lived and the lives I've taken; the way I treated so many children through the years, and especially the way I treated you. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I don't deserve any. I only want to thank you for helping me find a portion of my soul and giving me hope. You have helped me keep a promised I made long ago to myself. No one will control me again.

May you live in happiness and freedom. Remember and achieve your dreams; never let them go.

S.S.

Harry looked at the headmaster, wiping at the tears staining his cheeks, "But Severus _was_ my dream."


End file.
